The Reappearance of an Unforgotten Love
To the little girl who was left behind,
I am so deeply sorry you had to endure a lifetime of loneliness. Your beautiful and innocent heart should have been held with great tenderness. You shouldn’t have been told you were worthless. You have the entire universe within you. At 5 years old, you clutched at the legs of the person you loved the most, tears pouring down your cheeks, wordlessly expressing your breaking heart, only to watch those feet disappear behind the closing door.
I will never forget the day I abandoned you. I will never forget the day I found you.
Terrified of the light, I hid behind the shadows.
I could hear you but I was helpless. I had gone deep in to my cave until I could see nothing, hear nothing but my own breath. My lonely heartbeat echoed off its cold walls.
I missed you. Every second of every day I thought about you.
I had gone deeper. The walls narrowed. The ceiling pressed in to my skull. I crawled deeper, squeezing my way in to the narrowest of cracks. I had become moulded to the stone.
…Until one day I heard a scream.
It reverberated through my entire body and echoed in my heart. I knew that scream. I hadn’t forgotten it. My eyes wide, my ears open, I listened for you. My heart was in my ears.
This time your pain ripped me from the wall. My limbs weak, I dragged my limp body through the damp darkness. Rocks embedded themselves in my skin, clawing at me to stay. My arms burned. The walls got further away. I could breathe.
I inhaled the cool air. I felt lighter.
Another scream pumped blood in to my legs. Years of stagnation no longer crippled me. Each scream of pain charging my depleted energy.
I could see light, I could see it.
A tiny speck.
Nothing was more beautiful than this moment.
The speck grew as the light energized my body. My breath became shallow. Cool, fresh air filled my lungs. I was out. The warm glow of the sun blanketed me. The world became bright and expansive as my eyes and ears searched for you.
Where were you?
You screamed again.
Louder. I was close.
Long, thick grass mercilessly whipped my flesh, bleeding me. It only strengthened me.
One final scream pierced my eardrums.
My entire body filled with your pain.
I dropped to my knees, clutching my bleeding ears. Silence filled the air.
I crawled, reaching for you, grasping at the ground, my vision blurred by the stream of tears.
Dirt, leaves, decay, cold earth under my fingernails, rocks, stones, roots, warm skin…
My heartbeat distant.
The river reached the sea. I found you.
Curled in to yourself, I reached over and touched your heaving back. You jumped away, startled by my presence. Fear filled your body. Mistrust and doubt.
My heart swelled in my chest. I had never seen such a tender, beautiful soul. I looked deep in your innocent eyes and found your heart.
‘You’re ok. You’re ok.’
Your eyes softened. You remembered. A lifetime of loneliness lifted.
You leapt in to my arms. You squeezed my neck. My arms wrapped around you, holding you close to me.
My shoulder dampened as your crippling pain turned to love.
I held you tighter.
We had found each other again.
You were safe.
I was complete.
We were home.