Thoughts on my Gradual Queer Sexual Awakening

Growing up, there wasn’t much lesbian representation, or any LGBTQ representation. My Mum had this gay friend, Brian, who was deaf and quite cool, actually. He lived near Hyndland in a really nice flat. I don’t know how him and my mum knew each other or whatever happened to him. Anyway…he was the first openly gay person I had met and talked to. I was about 11 or 12. I can’t remember whether he had a boyfriend at the time or not, but I remember him saying the word “boyfriend” and it shocked me at first because he was so open about it and then…gradually it wasn’t a big deal. It was normal. My Mum knew a whole diversity of people and I met most of them throughout her time at Lansdowne Crescent.

When my cousin came out as bisexual, I remember feeling envious of her. That this huge revelation came to her and she had this new confidence that I wished I had.

Her and her girlfriend came over to our Uncle’s at Christmas one year and I remember watching them, and I was curious. I would watch them hold hands and talk to each other as a couple. I hadn’t thought anymore of it at the time I don’t think. I wasn’t super close with my cousin at this time.

I don’t remember when I started to identify as bisexual. I don’t think I fully knew what it meant…I just used to say it.

I started experimenting with women at uni.

I kissed A when I was 19 and remember being so excited and consumed by it. It felt so natural and so right. I wanted people to see. To see that we were both comfortable with each other.

I’ve always felt like I didn’t belong. That nobody understood me. The friends I liked the most were the ones that came from interesting, albeit unhealthy, family dynamics. I felt more comfortable being with those kind of people. The kids at my school came from typical middle class homes. Parents still together, more than 1 child, at least 1 parent has a good-earning, well-respected job.

I didn’t belong to any particular group of friends. I was always the quiet, invisible one. I just didn’t fit in to any of it.

It was all “safe”.

I didn’t want safe. I wanted to try drugs, to party and just get fucked up and let go.

I wanted to be with the free people. The ones that accepted and didn’t judge. The ones that understood pain and love. Who had more questions about life and its complexities. Who broke away from the construct and knew who they were and what they wanted and were unafraid of it. Fearless and strong.